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Rewriting the Bible

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#1 of 2 Posted Oct-23 8:15 PM

From Brooke Posts 9153 Last Nov-23
To All [Msg # 74182.1 ]

Today we'll look at some of the changes one might see in a Bible re-written by conservatives.

In the next post, we'll put the sandal on the other foot.

The Top 15 Passages From the Conservative Bible

15> My house was a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of free enterprise! Blessed be thy robust profits, and tax cuts and parachutes of gold shall be thy earthly reward!

14> Honor thy Father and Mother. Not two mothers or three fathers or any other weird crap they do out in California.

13> Should thy enemy strike thee on the right cheek, outeth ye his wife as an undercover government spy.

12> And then God didst take a rib from Adam, slather it in barbecue sauce, and make a woman to fetch his Pabst Blue Ribbon.

11> The angel said unto her, "Behold, thou shalt call his name Jesus." And Mary replied, "Could we go with something a little less ethnic, like maybe 'Jerry?'"

10> Love is patient; love is kind; love is not boastful or arrogant or gay.

9> Give a man a fish, and you're a freakin' liberal socialist. Teach a man to fish and it's straight to Heaven, baby.

8> Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife, even as she taunts thou with those ripe demon melons protruding from her lacy... Uh, what say we stop here and pray, shall we?

7> And when the Kenyan was chosen king, Jesus wept. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

6> And then God created woman. Had he seen the one they call Pelosi on the horizon, he might have changed his mind about that one.

5> Jesus spoke on the mount and just as he said "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," a lone voice in the crowd shouted, "You lie!"

4> It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a liberal-controlled Congress to pass a health-care bill.

3> Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. Not that I have any objections to capital punishment, you understand...

2> So the Lord God banished the brown people from the gated community of Eden, allowing them to returneth only during the day with landscaping tools.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Passage From the Conservative Bible...

1> And Moses spake at the burning bush: "That'll teach you to run around with every man in town, you harlot! Now go get a shot of penicillin."

Copyright 2009 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.

Hey! Can you think of any more to add to this list? Click REPLY to add it here for posterity.

Edited Oct-23 by Brooke

#2 of 2 Posted Oct-23 8:16 PM

From Brooke Posts 9153 Last Nov-23
To All [Msg # 74182.2 74182.1 ]

The Top 15 Passages From the Liberal Bible

15> Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Rough and fast, oh yeah. Just the way you like it, you dirty minx!

14> In much wisdom is much grief, and he that smirketh all the time... well, you doeth the math.

13> And Cain knew his wife. And then they knew each other again. And then they got a digital camera and some toys, and began placing swingers ads in Craigslist, and it was all good.

12> And on the seventh day, God took a union-mandated four days off.

11> Jesus rubbed some mud in the blind man's eye, rinsed it with water and the man's vision was restored. And he was amazed that Jesus did not ask to see his proof of insurance.

10> Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless you're really pissed or it's got some great humor potential.

9> And the angel of the Lord said unto Mary, "Be not afraid. Your body, your choice."

8> Herod decreed that all should return to his homeland for the purpose of levying taxes, which he then spent on scientific studies aimed at reducing camel flatulence.

7> Thou shalt... whatever. Who am I to judge?

6> "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men. Dolphin-safe, of course."

5> Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear not; for everyone is basically good and the Shadow is probably just misunderstood and had a rough childhood.

4> Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. And here's a map to Glenn Beck's house.

3> And God told Noah to gather a male and a female of each species. And lo, was Noah sued by the ACLU for discriminating against gays.

2> Take, eat. This is my body which is organically grown, untainted by pesticides or preservatives, labeled with nutritional information, and surprisingly compatible with a vegan diet.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Passages From the Liberal Bible...

1> And the Lord cursed Adam by giving his name to that large bump in Ann Coulter's neck.

Copyright 2009 by Chris White. Please do not forward, publish, broadcast or use in any manner without crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.

Hey! Can you think of any more to add to this list? Click REPLY to add it here for posterity.

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Rewriting the Bible

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