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My husband retired

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#1 of 14 Posted Oct-10 7:36 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To All [Msg # 1629.1 ]

My husband was basically laid off and has decided that he is retired. It came about 2 years earlier than he expected but we were more or less prepared, except for the fact that he had not really mentally been expecting this, nor I.

I thought we'd have no trouble being together all day long, but I must admit that I find it a bit strange to have him around all the time. Sometimes I order him around re: my routine for the animals (which takes about an hour and a half in the morning) and am shocked at my own impatience with him <g>. But, then I remember how I was impatient with him in our first years of marriage and then it got much better.

It really is quite an adjustment.

We have about 2 years' worth of backlogged projects to tackle. Not leisure so much, just household jobs.

I have thought it would be good to work part time, but I don't feel I have the time yet.

#2 of 14 Posted Oct-11 2:46 AM

From Bev L [France] Posts 1328 Last 11:33 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.2 1629.1 ]

Retirement is a big adjustment for lots of people. It comes down to the old "I married you for better or for worse, but not necessarily for lunch."

Now would probably be a good time for you to go back to work part time, passing off some of your household jobs to DH - but in the current economy, finding a part-time job probably won't be that easy. So, perhaps you need to find something to take you out of the house on a regular basis - clubs, hobbies, volunteer work, etc. - and encourage him to do the same. That way each of you knows you have the house to themselves on certain days at certain times during the week.
Cheers,
Bev

#3 of 14 Posted Oct-11 6:51 AM

From Nancy C, Wizop Posts 519 Last 6:05 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.3 1629.1 ]

When my DH retired, it was an adjustment. It seemed like he was in my house interfering with my routine. Over time, we have both adjusted.

All those backlogs of projects are still backlogged for the most part, especially the ones indoors. He has done more outdoors than I dreamed of.

Nancy C.
Seniors Community
Investing for Growth Forum

#4 of 14 Posted Oct-11 10:28 AM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Nancy C, Wizop [Msg # 1629.4 1629.3 ]

<<When my DH retired, it was an adjustment. It seemed like he was in my house interfering with my routine. Over time, we have both adjusted.>>

You took the words right out of my mouth.

The thing is, since we get along very well, I used to say that we will never have a problem when he retires <g>! Actually, we don't, but I would be lying if I said I was quite as "adjusted" to him being home all day as I thought I would be.

You know that funny movie, "Crabby Old Men"? Well, I am quiet in the morning but not crabby and I am nimble on my feet as soon as I get up and I run around doing the animal chores very quickly and in sync. I make the coffee and do a list of chores quickly. Al, on the other hand, is Mr. Crabby and Not Fully Awake and Don't Bother Me Too Much and he fumbles around for an hour or so and it kind of puts a cramp into my style <GG>. He used to just conveniently stumble out the door on his way to the train and now he just sits here like a lump!

However, it isn't that bad. Because he was home, I was much more motivated to take a long ride to see someone who is in a nursing home and we made a fun day of it, stopping at a Trader Joe's (we don't have any around us) on the way back, visiting a seashore not near us, etc.

Also, he is truly motivated to work on those indoor projects and we took a fabulous one day organic lawn care class at the botanical garden.

He knows he is Mr. Crabby in the morning and we do joke about it.

Message 1629.5 was moved to 1630.1

#6 of 14 Posted Oct-11 11:18 AM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Bev L [France] [Msg # 1629.6 1629.2 ]

Hi Bev,

I would like to take on a part time job but not now. I need to work alongside Al to do what must be done here: We have to make a lot of decisions and the devil is in the details.

But, for the first time, I do feel free to take a course or go away from the house while Al mans the homestead.

I have been waiting for him to retire just so that we can tackle some projects that require the two of us. Now, at last, the time has come.

#7 of 14 Posted Oct-11 9:57 PM

From Susan Posts 208 Last Nov-24
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.7 1629.1 ]

except for the fact that he had not really mentally been expecting this, nor I.

1. Lower your expectations of him and of yourself. Too high expectations can ruin any relationship. Take it slow and easy.

2. Maintain a sense of humor.

3. Compliment him at least once a day. Tell him how wonderful he is periodically with a smile even if you don't mean it at the time.

4. Forget the "chores" and the backlogged projects. They'll never get done, because even if the current ones are finished, others will come along. Go on a trip that you've always wanted to go on.....together.

5. Have a friendship...:-) That will mean more than anything else when times get rough. Hug that guy! :-)

Love,
Retired for fifteen years=both of us= and still going and happy as larks. !

#8 of 14 Posted Oct-11 10:52 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Susan [Msg # 1629.8 1629.7 ] (Unread)

Thanks, Susan, for your good advice, but don't worry, we are already quickly adjusting.

We had a period of unemployment for 2 years (neither of us worked) 10 years ago, when he left his career and I absolutely loved having him with me all day long. We got to do things you never can do if one is working full time. Top on the list was visiting my late mother several times a week (he adored her, and she, he) and we have cherished memories of hours long visits in the middle of the day.

We will not be avoiding or forgetting the backlogged "chores". They are more important than that: We actually look forward to getting these things done. We have to make some decisions about what we will keep re: collections of books (many are collector items) and a lot of other things and we will finally regain use of one room when we get that straightened out, so we are highly motivated. Also, it is going to be interesting and a relief to have the time to do this.

When we get these and other things done, then we will have an organized house and it will be possible to get away. Don't forget that we do everything with one arm tied behind due to our animals. (Currently 8 cats, one dog and several homeless ones that depend upon us for food and one I am trying to trap for a foster home I have lined up.) There is always one who is sick and needing special care, it seems, and so we go slow.

I am sorry if I mislead you as we get along very well and I was just saying how it will be an adjustment, but not a long one. Getting along with my husband is usually effortless - we are very close. And we joke about this new change, you know. We aren't so serious!

#9 of 14 Posted Nov-1 1:23 AM

From Gail K. [sysop] Posts 141 Last 10:36 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.9 1629.1 ]

My husband retired at the end of February. I was really afraid that I'd feel like he was invading my turf, which is what I considered our house during the week. Even when I worked, I was a court reporter and went out to depositions and then came home and worked on the transcripts. So I was very used to being alone in the house.

The reason that we don't get in each other's hair is that we're not joined at the hip. I told him I wasn't giving up my lunch buddies. I still occasionally go out to lunch with my friends and most days we pretty much do our own thing. Some days we do things together. And it's kind of nice having someone else here to wait for servicemen or the cleaners. I have more freedom that I had before.

#10 of 14 Posted Nov-1 12:44 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Gail K. [sysop] [Msg # 1629.10 1629.9 ]

Hi Gail,

I don't get to go out with lunch buddies. I think that it's great that you do that!

For a very long time, now, I have been at home due to the kind of volunteer work I do with animals and some humans, too, in our area. It's the kind of long term commitment that kept me home and I have no regrets about what I do (it has been emotionally very satisfying) but I miss having what you have.

OTH, hate to say it, until very recently I could never have gone out to lunch with friends. Didn't have that kind of time.

#11 of 14 Posted Nov-1 12:57 PM

From Gail K. [sysop] Posts 141 Last 10:36 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.11 1629.10 ]

Martha,

I don't go out to lunch often, maybe once every few weeks. I didn't want you to think that was something I do all the time. I just wanted my husband to understand that when I do go out to lunch he's not invited. And sometimes now he goes out with a friend or former colleague.

The important thing is that boundaries have to be set. Retirement is a change in lifestyle. You have your things that you do. Now your husband has to develop what his routines are going to be now that he isn't working.

#12 of 14 Posted Nov-1 5:05 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Gail K. [sysop] [Msg # 1629.12 1629.11 ]

Hi Gail,

To be honest, I think that you and I lead very different lifestyles. My husband has been involved in the animal care with me for years (after work and on weekends) and he just finished making homemade dog food for the next two weeks, we will set up the kitchen for the daily sub-Q fluids for a cat, he will medicate another while I feed most of the animals, etc. So, we are together a great deal and do projects together because we must.

He would be thrilled if I went out for lunch with friends but I honestly don't have any in my immediate vicinity - and I am so busy I don't feel the need, lately <s>.

We are going to be very tied up for a couple of more years before we can each do our own projects or social activities. We have house projects that are not about the animals (8 cats and a dog) and I hope we will get going on that soon. He was laid off, didn't have a retirement plan, you see. I don't mean he didn't have a financial plan, he did, but he had zero notice to plan his life and anyway he has not even finished the last of the paperwork to formally retire.

It's kind of soon to say much. I will have a better idea of how things are going in 6 months, much better.

#13 of 14 Posted Nov-2 1:05 AM

From Gail K. [sysop] Posts 141 Last 10:36 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1629.13 1629.12 ]

Martha Anne,

It sounds like both you and your husband have a lot to do and lead very busy lives. Whatever your style is, as long as it works for you, it's good.

#14 of 14 Posted Nov-2 9:05 AM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Gail K. [sysop] [Msg # 1629.14 1629.13 ]

Hi Gail,

I am going to assume that you married decades ago. We didn't - we are married less than 15 years, and in those years I had to empty out an 11 room house lived in by my family for 50 years, suddenly became the caretaker, and distributor, of so many things of value, some of much value. ( I don't want the valuable things: I gave them to the next generation. But it took a great deal of work for several years just doing this. They appreciate what we have done for them and so it has been worth it and I considered it my duty.)

I may as well have drawn a salary for all the work I have done. It has been a full time job, that alone.

My husband has been a great help, too.

Then comes all the animals, and I won't repeat that!

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My husband retired

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