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#1 of 9 Posted Oct-21 11:23 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To All [Msg # 1639.1 ]

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?scp=20&sq=october%2020%20%202009&st=cse

Above is an interesting piece in the NY Times about severing ties with toxic parents.

There is a follow-up blog with 23 pages of cathartic comments by people who thought they were alone in having to sever ties with parents or even family (of origin).

They say that they never regretted their decisions and are far happier.

I think that in our society it is pushed too much that we all get together at holidays for happy family get togethers. There are articles always about how to get through holiday meals with less than beloved relatives, but I have never read one which writes about having a good holiday without the relatives, period! Yet, for some, this is the better choice.

Here are the very emotional comments on the article:http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/divorcing-your-parents/

As for me, I have found that I only regret that I didn't sever ties with certain family members about 20 years earlier, or more, maybe 40 years would have been nice <s>. No kidding!

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#2 of 9 Posted Oct-22 5:20 AM

From Nancy C, Wizop Posts 519 Last 6:05 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1639.2 1639.1 ]

A few nights ago, I saw a segment on TV about Drew Barrymore and the interviewer asked her about her childhood. Her parents, particularly her father, were toxic to say the least. The court let her be on her own around age 15 I think. Her "family" was the cast and crew of whatever movie she was in at any given time. She now has a relationship with her father but not her mother. I thought that as she gets older she might want to reconnect with her mother. The New York Times article got me thinking differently about this.

I've been to holiday dinners that were fun and those that were a disaster with respect to family interactions. Yet, holiday dinners with family are part of our culture. When we moved out of the country, we were left on our own for holidays. At first, it seemed a bit lonely. However, when we moved to St. Croix, everyone else we knew was in the same boat, figuratively speaking, and groups of us got together for some of these dinners. Those were fun dinners.

At this point in our lives, my husband and I have smaller holiday dinners. Sometimes our younger son comes here and joins us for these holidays. We usually have an early dinner or sometimes we go to an early afternoon movie and have dinner in the late afternoon or early evening. Most of all, it is a relaxed event with some special holiday foods.

Nancy C.
Seniors Community
Investing for Growth Forum

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#3 of 9 Posted Oct-22 8:25 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Nancy C, Wizop [Msg # 1639.3 1639.2 ]

Thanks for writing some reflections on this article.

I made the mistake, I think, of trying to explain to a member of my extended family (someone with whom I have always had a very cordial and at times fun relationship, but we have always lived quite a distance apart) why I finally stopped all contact with my sister. The subject came up due to an awkward situation and I had to tell her and then I made the foolish mistake of thinking I could explain why I did this. I found that few understand what you yourself have experience - they weren't there for all the problems and interactions.

Now, I know better: Just let others know, as it comes up, that you no longer wish to have contact with that person and give an extremely brief explanation as to why. It's enough. I explained this briefly to another sibling and was pleasantly surprised to find that he seemed to respect me for my decision, and he told me he agreed with a lot of my assessment of how things had "gone down" in our family.

I met someone years ago who told me he had no contact with his parents for 10 years. I was stunned and told him it could not be that bad. How do I know? I wasn't there! (He said he didn't even know where they lived anymore - "Somewhere in Florida" was all he knew.)

I thought he was crazy but now I feel he might have done what he had to do.

I couldn't get over the fact that 23 pages of comments were written in response (and almost all in support and gratitude) to that article!!!

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#4 of 9 Posted Oct-23 12:16 AM

From Patricia O. Posts 602 Last 2:08 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1639.4 1639.3 ]

>>> I met someone years ago who told me he had no contact with his parents for 10 years. I was stunned and told him it could not be that bad. How do I know? I wasn't there! <<<

Maybe it wasn't that bad, but he simply didn't care. If my parents didn't call me at intervals, I'd easily go for very long periods with no contact. I just don't have any interest.

I visited my dad over the past weekend -- he's 80 years old, and his health is declining. In my mind, I think there is a very good chance I won't go back up to Pennsylvania again before he dies. I haven't seen my mother in 4 years, although she calls now and then.

The idea that family should have built-in connections has always struck me as strange.

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#5 of 9 Posted Oct-23 5:33 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Patricia O. [Msg # 1639.5 1639.4 ]

When it comes to wanting or not wanting contact, or seeing, a parent, I do suppose that the child, of all people, knows what is best. You have to trust that the child knows what kind of parenting he or she received, or how the relationship went.

I lived with the idea that one doesn't have rifts in one's family (spoken or unspoken), but my own person experience has made me change that "rule". I was raised with the silence about these emotional chasms: My parents' generation never spoke of nor alluded to them.

Sorry about what you have experienced.

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#6 of 9 Posted Oct-23 8:34 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Patricia O. [Msg # 1639.6 1639.4 ]

I re-read your post and think I misunderstood you: I had thought you were saying you didn't expect to see your father again due to a toxic relationship with him. You didn't use that word but I read, mistakenly, that you were saying that.

My mistake on that and so I apologize.

I also neglected to say that the man who told me he didn't even know where his parents lived (other than someplace in Florida) and who hadn't seen them in 10 years, or spoken to them, I should have added, told me that this is because they were bad for him, upset him so much that he decided not to have anything more to do with them.

Does your mother live far from you? Is there a reason why you haven't seen her in four years?

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#7 of 9 Posted Oct-23 9:03 PM

From Patricia O. Posts 602 Last 2:08 AM
To Martha Anne [Msg # 1639.7 1639.6 ]

>>> Does your mother live far from you? Is there a reason why you haven't seen her in four years? <<<

I live in Texas. My mother is in Minnesota near a sister, and my father lives in Pennsylvania in our hometown. I haven't seen her mainly because I have no interest in doing so. Being so far apart, it's impossible to have a quick couple-hours visit -- which is about how long I can stand her constant complaining.

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#8 of 9 Posted Oct-23 9:14 PM

From Martha Anne Posts 662 Last Nov-24
To Patricia O. [Msg # 1639.8 1639.7 ]

<< Being so far apart, it's impossible to have a quick couple-hours visit -- which is about how long I can stand her constant complaining.>>

I sympathize. (And didn't want to make any assumptions!<s>)

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#9 of 9 Posted Nov-3 7:04 PM

From Cal Posts 901 Last 10:00 AM
To Nancy C, Wizop [Msg # 1639.9 1639.2 ]

At this point in our lives, my husband and I have smaller holiday dinners. Sometimes our younger son comes here and joins us for these holidays. . . . ., it is a relaxed event with some special holiday foods.

After 6 years of holidays usually alone, I now have a new family with 13 grandkids. We visit one of my wife's 4 children's families and it is a relaxed affair. No traditions, of course. I am blessed.

Cal, from West Michigan

All generalizations are false, including this one..